Moving Out. Moving Away. Moving On.

When my Mom got sick last week, I grabbed the chance like a vulture to insist to her for the second time that I move back to Cebu for good. I told her all the pros and little of the cons if she permits me to go home. After stating my pathetic case, she reluctantly agreed and told me to ask for my Dad’s permission. After fabricating lies to my old man, he gave me the green light. Thanks Daddy. Hence, I filed for a Leave of Absence from school. Last weekend, I might have sounded so wretched on the phone that my Mom actually asked me if I would like to go away, clear my head and visit my cousins in Melbourne. Again, the vulture in me gnawed on the offer. Thanks Mommy.

And so I wrote him the last letter that I will ever address to him and poured out everything that I thought would begin to clear my clouds. Now I am hopeful that one day, I shall forget that episode of my life that almost costed me my sanity. Just as he decided to forget about the life we had once shared.

Soon, I am leaving Manila for good. When that day comes, I shall never look back. I shall finally forge on with no regrets and no apologies. I have to leave with what’s left of me.

Irony

Who would have thought na nung inayos nya ang buhay ko, siya din ang gugulo?

Argyle’s Eloquence of My Gloom

A re-post from RETROSPECTION

You were full of ideals and hopes when you first set foot. As time went by, suddenly, you realize, you’re becoming a different person. Yet, you held on. You see things differently now. You go with the current where life takes you. Time passes before your eyes. And then one moment, one fleeting moment, you get disappointed. The system messed you up. You mess up. And yet, you still CHOOSE to hang in there. Still hopeful that in the long run, you will see the change you believe that will come one day. You hang on with the thinnest and tiniest thread of hope it will soon come. Until one day, you just wake up and find yourself being eaten alive by the very thing against your ideals. Your hopes are gone. And you are left with nothing more but the mechanical routine of what transpires each and every day. Would you stay? Or leave with what’s left of you?

You love the other person. You are in a relationship which gained a lot of fans among your friends and acquaintances. People have witnessed the beginning and the developments of each and every struggle to make the relationship at its zenith. You were full of dreams that are so vivid that you could actually taste the bliss that you expect in the future. And then one day, you just suddenly feel something isn’t there anymore. The person you love had taken away a very significant part of you to actually be sane. You have become a different person. You are slowly becoming the person who you think the other person deserves. And yet, you CHOSE to let it go this far that you feel you are not who you are anymore. You had lost yourself in the dreams of that other person, instead of focusing on yours alone. Suddenly, you find yourself unhappy. You become scared that in the long run, this would turn into a tragic ending. Would you stay? Or leave with what’s left of you?

In the end, it’s all about choices, standing firm on how you perceive yourself, how you control your very being. You have the power to  choose when and where to give, to lose and to let go. You have the power to choose how much you are able and capable of losing yourself. You have the choice to make the necessary or unnecessary sacrifice that you would hope to effect a sweet change or unconsciously lead to a tragic one. You and you alone decide what you will see tomorrow. Remember, it’s not only your life that you affect, significant persons in your life also receive some part of you, and your decisions control how much. And because of you, other persons as well change either for the better or for worse. It’s a butterfly effect. 

I chose to leave with what’s left of me without an anticipation of the consequences that are bound to transpire. If that was a mistake, then at least it was mine to make. I just hope the hurting will end soon.

Flabbergasted

LAST NIGHT:

One may call it a gift. Psychology calls it woman’s instinct. Personally, I think I was just born to solve jigsaw puzzles because I am so good in putting together a patchwork of incidents. Verification of any sort is not required since the so-called gift or instinct was heightened by song lyrics, a nearby coffee shop, a Japanese fastfood and the restaurant where we celebrated our second year anniversary. 

Indeed, he’s moving on. Congratulations! But please, go easy on the insensitivity. You weren’t built that way. 

THIS MORNING: 

I opened my dormant GMail account and viola! Blast from the past it is! The blue-eyed best mistake I have ever made resurfaced, recalling the escapade that transpired four years ago and sending inklings that might lead to yet another kismet.

In a span of less than 24-hours, I am struck with two different emotions from opposite polar regions! What exactly is going on? What are the stars trying to convey? Please Lord, help me understand. I do want to be a lawyer but I cannot deny the fact that I want to see the world. Why did you let me be confined in this little corner when there’s a vast horizon I must venture? 

I’M EXHAUSTED!!! PLEASE MAKE THIS STOP!!! 

Pre-PrelimSHIT

Today is the start of the goddamn preliminary exams and will end on Friday.

Criminal Procedure - Monday | Partnership, Agencies & Trusts - Tuesday | Torts, Damages & Transportation AND Credit Transaction - Thursday | Property Law - Friday

What I did last Friday:

I went to Rockwell for Gamma Epsilon’s weekly fellowship after my Property Law class. In the wee hours of the morning, I went straight to our Laguna home because I miss my dogs. Luis is still uber tamad and Carrie is such a big fat girl she looks like a pregnant pig. I am no longer returning her to her dad. No way. I’m keeping her. I now have sole custody of my yellow lab.

What I did last Saturday:

I woke up at noon and then played with my dogs and headed back to Manila around 3 o’clock. At night, I just drank.

What I did last Sunday:

I woke up at 10 o’clock, had coffee, The OC dvd-athon, then cleaned the entire apartment. I didn’t just clean, I re-arranged my furnitures and got rid of his last of the last stuff he left behind.

TODAY:

I am just floating like feather. Preliminary exams later and tomorrow and Thursday and Friday and I AM F*CKIN’ FLOATING LIKE A GODDAMN FEATHER!!! 

Vodka, Beer & My Ex’s New Girlfriend

I never thought I’d live to see that day when I would find an ex of mine walk into the room with a new girlfriend and I would not feel any twinge of awkwardness.

That’s what happened last night. 

After three years, Vap and I broke up in 2004 and since then we never tried being friends again. Rhea is one of my old friends from La Salle waaaaaaaaaaaaay back 1999 when I was still in an abusive relationship with Julio and her clique of girls were still into ballers. Hmmmm…Moj and Ping, CA and Tubid, etc. Vap and Rhea began dating early this year and stars are just around the corner that things fell into place for them.

I never thought I’d live to see that day when I would find an ex of mine walk into the room with a new girlfriend and I would not feel any twinge of awkwardness. Hell, I never thought I’d live to see that day when my ex walks in with an old friend, I am all smiles, all excited because she owes me juicy chika….coz we’re like…well…GIRLFRIENDS! HAHAHAHA!!!

To the man he has become and to the woman who deserves the best of him. CHEERS!

Reality Does Bite

If The Godfather is for men, Reality Bites is for women. Whoever hasn’t seen the movie had just let their 90s pass them by in a snap. I mean, who hasn’t seen the movie?! It’s like not knowing that Michael Jackson is originally black!

I could start ranting about this quote but I choose not to. I don’t want to rant anymore. I’m tired ranting. 

Today’s Horoscope

If it feels like people have big expectations for you, then your instincts are right on. You have shown them that you’re capable of great things, so now great things are all they want to see from you. If you need a little break from the pressures you’re under today, then just take one. Follow your own wishes and do your own thing for the next twenty-four hours. There comes a time when you have to start saying no — and your time is coming soon.

Rationale of the Momentary Alcoholism

Last Saturday, Isabelle’s friend Cathy introduced me to Angelica over bottles of booze. Fun was the evening and light was atmosphere that I did not truly expect the the same girl would uncover something about my being a seasonal alcoholic.

She said: “You see, party people are actually worth more than they seem to be. They’re not a wild child by any means because on every drop of vodka, dancing on long lively music and endless lighting of cigarettes, there is this vivid sign saying: Make me alive and happy again. I’m deadly broken.“

It stuck for a while and I can’t help but wonder if I fit into that aphorism I initially assumed to have encompassed. Later on, I realized that she was only partially correct because I AM NOT DEADLY BROKEN.

God, I hope I’m making sense.

4th of July

I’ll surely miss you every 4th of July knowing that for three years, that day used to belong to me.

Have a blast, Niyaku! 

Of Before Sunrise and Moving On.

When I finally realized that fairy tales don’t happen to girls like me…that the good guys really deserve more than what I could give…that hurting him now with full honesty is better than loving him with half-truths…I held my ground while I watched my world crumbled down before me. When it all sank in after a week, I tried redeeming myself and asked him to let me fix what I have broken. I laid down all the bargaining chips for just one chance to un-break his heart and make it right again. He won’t let me. He said he’s too hurt to go through it one more time. That letting go and moving on are more appealing options than mending what I shattered. 

I was completely shocked. It was the least of my expectations. Questions swarmed my mind for days. Questions like, am I not good enough to be fought for? Why does he love to embrace his pain more than he loves me? How do I survive in his world as just me? When and how soon can I let go and get over this melancholic state of nothingness? When can I stop crying in the shower?

One of my favorite movies crossed my mind. 

You know what’s the worst thing about somebody breaking up with you? Is when you remember how little you thought about the people you broke up with and you realize that is how little they’re thinking of you. You know, you’d like to think you’re both in all this pain but they’re just like “Hey, I’m glad you’re gone”. -JESSE, Before Sunrise (1995)

It just struck me. Two weeks ago, he sent me an SMS: “…alam ko nahihirapan din ikaw. Hindi na kita matangal sa buhay ko but we need to move on. Let’s just pray for each other, k?” Considering what had transpired for the past few weeks, isn’t that synonymous to “Hey, I’m just glad you’re gone.”? It was a slap in the face, a smack in the gut. It took years for me to understand that when you break someone’s heart, your heart shatters in increments when they refuse to let you fix it. Your heart explodes like debris when you realize that your unworthy of a second chance. You get dumb-founded and amazed to conceive of the hypothesis that the almost-four years of your lives together were regarded as a mere Pepsi commercial.

Well, I guess it’s time to do what The Penny Lane suggested. “Rebuild your world, G Bravo. Your OWN world. Remember how exciting it is.”

INDEED! They say the real emotional pain scientifically just lasts for 12 minutes and what you feel afterwards is self-inflicted. Perhaps that’s why I am exhausted of feeling all sort of that shit. I guess, I need to start feeling something else and remind myself why we broke up in the first place…start feeling glad that he’s gone too. Need I? Let it not be a mistake this time.

I want to date a doctor.

Whoever You Are

I hope one day you can live up to that one person he measures everyone against. Don’t ever think you’re better. You’re just different. Not extraordinary. Just plain different.

Thank you, Julia Roberts for that one-line punch.

Being Single

This was sent to me in early 2000 after I broke up with Julio, the cariño-brutal episode of my then 19-year-old foolish self. I had just retrieve it from my inbox and, after a good wallowing, decided to post it here.

Single means you have time TO GROW AND BE THE PERSON YOU WANT TO BE. Single gives you SPACE TO GROW. Sometimes, it is harder to grow when you are too close to someone.
Trees are planted far apart so they can spread their branches and become strong as they mature.
Single means LEARNING TO LIVE BY YOURSELF.
However, that is no more difficult that learning to live with somebody else.

Single means FREEDOM.
You are free to spend a week’s vacation on the beach, to take computer courses, to work late on an interesting project, TO SPEND THE DAY IN BED WITH A GOOD BOOK OR SIMPLY WITH A PERSON WHO HAS READ ONE.

Single means LEARNING NOT TO NEED A MAN TO MAKE YOUR LIFE MEANINGFUL BUT LEARNING TO LIVE WITH A MAN BECAUSE YOU WANT TO BE WITH HIM.

Single means that sometimes you will wonder why you will bite your lip and feel wistful and wonder if marriage is better.
Ironically, yet quite happily, single is FEELING GOOD ABOUT BEING IN CONTROL OF YOUR LIFE.
It is liking and respecting WHO YOU ARE AND WHY YOU ARE.

Single is realizing that being married is not necessarily better, it is merely different.
Single means that there could be something wonderful around the corner and you can take advantage of it.

Single means you are FREE TO LOVE AGAIN.