Twenty Nine

There comes a point when we realize who matters, who never did, who won’t anymore, who always have and who always will.

I’m 29 today and I’m loving it!

Bleeding L♥VE in Red & White

I finally found someone to bleed dry for…

…to bleed dry with.   

 By Jonas Ybañez of SKINDEEP Tattoo, 5 October 2009

Why I’m beyond happy

A Sweet Surrender

I am lost when you’re nowhere to be found. I am a mess when you’re away. You keep me together. I only cling so you need not hold on too tight. I only tug when you turn to walk away. You see, I am a helpless child around you. And unknowingly, you have won another kind of my alter ego.

It’s a sweet surrender…a kind of bliss only I could fathom. It’s when you hold me when I could close my eyes and fly. You make me adore every bit of you despite all the manic tantrums. It’s a crazy mad love and I’d die without it.

Let’s not fight. I hate fighting over silly things, although I love the moment when we just laugh it off after the tears. Let’s not fight and waste more time. Time is not on our side. Remember, we’re not vampires. We don’t have eternity. Let’s just hold each other until the world around us rots away.

"She’s the sweetest drug."

I got a problem and I don’t know what to do about it. Even if I did, I don’t know if I would quit. But I doubt it. I’m taken by the thought of it. And I know this much is true.
Baby, you have become my addiction. I’m so strung out on you. I can barely move but I like it.

And it’s all because of you. And it’s all because…
Never get enough. She’s the sweetest drug. Ain’t no doubt…so strung out over you.

-NEYO                 

With this song, I shall now surrender. Whatever the future has and however it unfolds, I come to you…shall stay with you…now and for always.

Black & White Valentine

There is no sense denying.

I LOVE YOU.

Absolutely pointless to deny that I do love you.
Too much, I’m afraid, that it’s useless to even ask “why?”  

Crazy. Beautiful. Everything.

This was posted in 2007 at a secret blog only few people could view. This was written as an upshot of the helpless longing I once drowned myself in, the secret I used to keep, the lie I perfectly told, the love I knew I will always have and the life I have always wanted. It’s time to have it known. It’s just about time.

FAITH 

You had once adored her, loved her, lived for her.

Then she was gone.

Yet you had once felt your soul scream her name in your sleep and you had once been appeased by the memory of her voice.

Yet she was gone.

She glided into another reality of which you were not ready to accept.

In your heart, however, you still feel her hands touch you, her arms around you, her mouth on yours or somewhere near lip-synching your favorite tune. 

Yet she’s nowhere to be found.
And even when others convince you of a better being destined for you, at the back of your head it is still her name your soul could scream. It is still her voice that could lull you to sleep. It is still her smile that could pale even the brightest star.
Deep inside you, you have believed that no matter how the future unfolds before your eyes, the show will end with her closing the curtains and being enveloped in your arms.

And perhaps you will always believe in that as you have tolerance of the poignant circumstances and stagnant tricks life has played for you.

It’s FAITH.
You still have that strong conviction that one day, everything will fall back into place.

Today, surreal as it seems, it all has fallen into place.

Months ago, I was confronted by an epiphany that a choice has to be made—The unwinding yet safe road that ensures complete refuge from the judgmental eyes of the hypocrites OR the road less traveled that would subject me to eventual judgment yet would lead me to the very taste of freedom that I can only imagine?

And I did. I made a choice.

For people to understand, accept and celebrate this path I have taken is not something I expect. I guess I can only hope for it or just not care whatsoever. I have always been a free spirit and now is not the time to feel that I need to seek approval. Despite all the turmoil, troubled thoughts and crazy unsolicited feedbacks, I AM HAPPY.

Thank you…heaven truly does exist.

Out the closet I go.

“What if your greatest mistake is your greatest happiness? Will you stand to correct it OR just hope that you won’t live to regret it?” 

YES, I am. Always have been. NO, you can’t watch.

Epilogue

Grachelle ♥ That Damn Girl

Is Elizabeth right?

You keep who you love just to lose who you are.

What she said spun my head in three-sixties paving a way to an epiphany.

For a while, I let myself drown in a million of my thoughts, precautious, pensive, with certain unexplained buoyancy from within me.

I thought about the past 10 years of my life, categorized the relationships I had, assessed the ardor and disenchantment of each like I was shoving books into 4 significant pigeonholes—each etched in the little corners of my enduring heart. Then I marveled at how much of myself I had lost each time I had chosen to love…how much of them I had stolen from the moment they chose to love me.

I wondered, like the countless time I have so often wondered, if love truly is a choice. And if it is, is losing oneself a mindless surrender?

23 is The ONE.

23 by Jimmy Eat World

I felt for sure last night

That once we said goodbye

No one else will know these lonely dreams

No one else will know that part of me

I’m still driving away
And I’m sorry every day
I won’t always love these selfish things
I won’t always live not stopping

It was my turn to decide
I knew this was our time
No one else will have me like you do
No one else will have me, only you

You’ll sit alone forever
If you wait for the right time
What are you hoping for?
I’m here I’m now I’m ready
Holding on tight
Don’t give away the end
The one thing that stays mine

Amazing still it seems
I’ll be 23
I won’t always love what I’ll never have
I won’t always live in my regrets

You’ll sit alone forever
If you wait for the right time
What are you hoping for?
I’m here I’m now I’m ready
Holding on tight
Don’t give away the end
The one thing that stays mine

It is a guarantee that this Crazy Love will get even crazier every passing moment. That obstacles are inevitable and disapprovals from everywhere will become regular words like prayer. But it is also a guarantee that great expectations will not ruin anything any longer because we know we’re beyond conventional patterns of symmetry.

NO, I won’t love you until I’m dead. You know I won’t.
I will love you until the day after forever. No questions asked.

Maria’s Diary

“Now, though, I am convinced that no one loses anyone because no one owns anyone. That is the true experience of freedom: having the most important thing in the world without owning it.“

Maria’s Diary, Eleven Minutes, Paolo Coelho

Once again, my heart broke because of something that was just in my head. But I want you to know that I meant every word I should have left unsaid.

Shame on me for kissing you with my eyes closed so tight.

From the Bottom of My Broken Heart

Let me in
To see you in the morning light
To get me on and all along the tears they come
See all come
I want you to believe in life
But I get the strangest feeling that you’ve gone away
Will you find out who you are too late to change?

I wish I could be every little thing you wanted
All the time
I wish I could be every little thing you wanted
All the time
Some times

Lift me up
Just lift me up don’t make a sound
And let me hold you up before you hit the ground
See all come
You say you’re all right
But I get the strangest feeling
That you’ve gone away…you’ve gone away
And will you find out who you are too late to change?

I wish I could be every little thing you wanted
All the time
I wish I could be every little thing you wanted
All the time
Some times

Don’t give me up
Don’t give me up tonight
Or soon nothing will be right at all
Salvation
Will you find out who you are too late to change?

I wish I could be every little thing you wanted

Your Craft of Bwahahahaha

 

 “In search for happiness, all of us is equal. No one is happy.”

-Maria’s diary, Eleven Minutes, Paolo Coelho 

I don’t need to be happy. I don’t need bliss. I don’t need unending joy.

I just want to laugh so hard. I just want to laugh so hard until it hurts. I just want to laugh so hard until I die of exhaustion. For now, I just want to be with someone who can make me laugh to oblivion.

I thank you for being that one person who makes me laugh that hard. I thank you for the grins when the laughing ends. I thank you for the smiles that remain.

You make sitcoms pale in comparison.

XOXO 

"ILOVEU"

Why do people use these words so loosely?

Because they are delusional, trapped in their own misinterpretation of what kind of intensity to feel. They thirst for affection yet scared to reciprocate. They are selfish. They use these words as unilateral contracts uncertain of whether or not to bind themselves or just pretend to be bound to them. Some say they are “in love” yet they’re too preoccupied to fill the void within them when in fact, loving is filling someone else’s emptiness.

Others convince themselves that love, indeed, is in its authentic form clearly because of the sacrifices they make. Why do people equate love with sacrifice? Why must someone give up his own dream to prove to his lover she’s the only dream? Why must a girl alter her life plans just to synchronize her life with her boyfriend’s all-mapped-out future? Why must a woman give up her career to stay home and be the devoted wife that society expects of her? I think it’s insane. 

Yet in this world where lies can disguise themselves as truths and liars can easily pass as preachers, these words become a form of comfort…some kind of a drug. People are scared to hear them yet others long for them.  

Sometimes, these words are simply not enough. And yet sometimes, they are all that matters.