WHOEVER THE TONTA FUCK YOU ARE!

It’s been days that I can’t seem to access my old blog http://mrsarciga.i.ph/. It had been my cyber journal for over a year and when moving on made it imperative to let go of the domain name, I didn’t delete the blog entirely as the entries were not just about the freakin’ Mr. Arciga.

Today, it dawned to me. Perhaps it became inaccessible because it was maliciously reported it to the dot.ph administrator alleging pornography, nude pictures, profanity, etc. just because the domain name is one obvious source of insecurity, foul mood and irritation. I have a fairly reasonable mind and it’s telling me which direction to point.

Now, if you are still stalking my blog, I got a message for you.

MAMATAY KA SA PAGKA-INSECURE! My shoes are too big to fill and you’ll just exhaust yourself to even try. You can’t even write a decent publish-worthy piece (caused by your limited vocabulary and acute case of grammar disorder) and it kills you that you’re sadly dim-witted when your name and mine are mentioned in a conversation.

And to the other one, LET GO. Stop stalking my blogs and stop monitoring my activities. Let’s all pretend everyone is happy, ok? I shall pretend you are too. Bitterness breeds cancer cells and I’d rather die drunk rather than pining about what could have been if this and that didn’t happen or this and that pushed through. PLEASE! You already chose to save face. Back it up and work on it.

You know me too well when I’m really pissed. WAG NYO AKONG PESTEHIN!

Remembering Elizabeth’s Words

 

Sometimes, the truth is ambiguous. Lies are more absolute.

I uncovered the truth today and the labyrinth of lies is still sealed with passionate kisses.

Bewitched. Bothered. Bewildered. 

The very thing that is unequivocal though is this: I still can’t quit her.

Why can’t I quit you?

Maybe we like the pain. Maybe we’re wired that way. Because without it, I don’t know…maybe we just wouldn’t feel real. What’s that saying? Why do I keep hitting myself with a hammer? Because it feels so good when I stop.

-Dr. Meredith Grey, Grey’s Anatomy

 Call it obsession because perhaps I am addicted to pain. There are a number of ways to get out of this deep shit I am now in…quite a number of instances when I should have just turned away and left without looking back. I know we’re not good for each other. I know this for a fact. Evidenced by the hostile words we so loosely say when mad and bruises after a huge fight, I know this is not the way a relationship should be. Logic says I cannot afford it. Issues of the past create paranoia and present actions of ex-loves kept fanning the fire. I feel like I am constantly in a tug-of-war not knowing if the odds are on my side. I constantly breathe so deep praying that the pain subsides and it has now become a regular routine. The pain is there. Still there. I’m beginning to get used to it. Beginning to like it.

Why can’t I quit this? Why do I hang on? Is it because I still believe I could win the tug-of-war? Or is it because the pain is outweighed by the dreams I see when I look at her? Perhaps I will always be just the girl she strings along because I remind her of the good, the bad and the fireworks. Perhaps I’ll never be the girl she’d fight for in the end. Perhaps I’ll never know, won’t I?

Until then, I guess I’d be addicted to hitting myself with that goddamn hammer until I am ready and able to stop. That way I would know that everything was real when I finally let go.

Soon.

What’s Painfully Funny

Sometimes the truth comes into view like a neon sign that it wouldn’t take a high-level IQ to interpret or analyze its totality. Yet sometimes, we shut our eyes when confronted by the truth because we are not prepared to shock ourselves with the fact that we are the one who was doomed to be dejado in the end.

We shut our eyes until tears fall down streaming and we wait. We hold our breaths and we wait. Then we long and we obsess until we actually ache to hear a perfect lie we can pretend to believe. Only then we can exhale and be at peace even if it’s for just plain pretense.

It’s painfully funny, isn’t it? Because the worst thing about being lied to is knowing that you are not worth the truth.

From Crazy to Sassy to Missing Law School

How did I manage that in less than 48 hours? 

I was out at an acoustic bar last night with a couple of friends and Magnus’ rockstar complex unleashed its divine self and upstaged the band. And so he sang a set of songs, played the guitar and made the audience swoon to kingdom come, he looked so heavenly. Out of nowhere he began calling for The Crazy Girl on stage. “Hey Crazy Girl, I’d get you a bucket (of Red Horse) if you sing that song you sing.” It didn’t occur to me that I was The Crazy Girl he was trying to embarrass and so I kept chitchatting with my friends and his cousins. Then I felt a tug from behind and the sweaty bar owner told me to get my ass on stage for my five-minute fame. And so the alcoholic me sang my own rendition of Dido’s White Flag like a pro. Uh-huh! You heard that right! Like a pro, for a bucket of Red Horse! Thank you for all those years at JP’s karaoke bar I was able to sharpen my singing prowess. *Whew* Now, I’m a rockstar too! Hahaha!!!

Later on, a 50-something-year-old American began singing “Pumapatak na naman ang ulan sa bubong ng bahay…” It was so amusing that he memorized the entire song and everyone in the bar attentively listened to every song he sang after that. Then he did a little trivia game. He’d play a song for people to guess what movie the song was played and he’d hand out a bottle of Red Horse for free. And like a regular movie freak and alcoholic, I paid my undivided attention and won a whole bucket of beer for guessing Sound of Music, The Godfather, City of Angels, Pretty Woman, Michael and Legends of the Fall. Obviously, drinking them was the whole point of the contest which paved an easy way for intoxication mode for everyone in our table. I was told that I drink like a camel, talk a hundred words per minute surprisingly with more sense, smoke like a chimney, dance with choreography and can still get out of a parallel parking space when the driver can’t. Hence, I stopped being The Crazy Girl. The Sassy Girl was brought to life as of last night.

As soon as I awoke this morning, I met up with the same group of friends at the beach for a tail gate party. While bathing under the Mactan sun with a borrowed iPod, I saw a girl from the other cottage reading Reyes’ Book II of the Revised Penal Code. I felt a pang in my chest and my disposition changed. Midterms week ended today for my classmates and I remember spending my week bombarding them with messages like, “Hoy! Mag-aral kayo. Midterms na! Good luck!” and “Property exam ‘nyo mamaya no? Wag na kayong mag-aral dahil ako lang at si Pamaran ang papasa jan! HAHAHAHA!!!”

I miss my books. I left them in my condo since I had a lot of stuff to bring and if I bring the box that contained them, my mom will hit me so bad for the excess baggage she needed to pay for. I miss reading everyday. I miss the AUSL Library, the Student Council Office, the hallways, the bridge and smoking after 10 pages. I miss the anxiety attacks before class, the blue toes and the sweaty palms during recitation. I even miss sounding like a moron during recitation and laughing about it after class. I miss the high of getting good grades and the tantrums I throw during information overload. I miss stretching one day to 25 hours and a week to 8 days just to study like a maniac. I miss overstaying at Starbucks, getting drunk at the end of the weeklong ordeal and the detox moments with Niyaku at Bubba Gump. I miss the life of a law student wherein being ‘ngarag’ is fabulous, insomnia is a trend and coffee is food supplement. I miss having food delivered in school due to lack of time to dine out. I even miss the school canteen even if they serve everything that tastes like airline food. Mostly, I miss everyone in Arellano. Even those I don’t really like, I miss them too.

The bottom line: Underneath the glory of the Mactan sun, reggae music, great food and even greater company, I pine for my old life. I pine for the boring version of me. I pine for yesterday. Suddenly, I decided to leave, abandon my friends and the beach, go home and sulk because the girl from the other cottage was too preoccupied with her book that, for a split second, I was willing to trade places with her. It was just not possible.

In Memory of LUIS FIGO + (2002-2008)

My very first footballer, Luis Figo.

He passed away on 30 July 2008. He was 6 years old. I cried so hard, I thew up. I’ll surely miss him.

The Biggest Bullshit of All

AN EPIPHANY just dawned to me. This is probably the biggest bullshit of all bullshits I have believed in. This is his biggest lie.

Luther Vandross’ I’D (f*ckin’) RATHER

I thought sometime alone
was what we really needed
you said this time would hurt more than it helps
but I couldn’t see that
I thought it was the end
of a beautiful story
and so I left the one I loved at home to be alone (alone)
and I tried to find
out if this one thing is true
that I’m nothing without you
I know better now
and I’ve had a change of heart

I’d rather have bad times with you, than good times with someone else
I’d rather be beside you in a storm, than safe and warm by myself
I’d rather have hard times together, than to have it easy apart
I’d rather have the one who holds my heart
whoo-oo-oo-oo yeah

And then I met someone
and thought she could replace you
we got a long just fine
we wasted time because she was not you
we had a lot of fun
though we knew we were faking
love was not impressed with our connection they were all lies, all lies
so I’m here cause I found this one thing is true
that I’m nothing without you
I know better now
and I’ve had a change of heart

I’d rather have bad times with you, than good times with someone else
I’d rather be beside you in a storm, than safe and warm by myself
I’d rather have hard times together, than to have it easy apart
I’d rather have the one who holds my heart
who holds my heart

I can’t blame you if you turn away from me, like I’ve done you,
I can only prove the things I say with time,
please be mine,

I’d rather have bad times with (please be mine) you,
than good times with someone else (I know)
I’d rather be beside you in a storm (anytime),
than safe and warm by myself (so sure baby)
I’d rather have hard times to gether,
than to have it easy apart
I’d rather have the one who holds my heart (my heart)

I’d rather have bad times with you (surely),
than good times with someone else (surely)
I’d rather be beside you in a storm (oh yeah),
than safe and warm by myself (all by myself)
I’d rather have hard times together,
than to have it easy apart (you know it)
I’d rather have the one who holds my heart

I’d rather have the one who holds my heart
I’d rather have the one who holds my heart
whoooo…..who holds my heart

Irony

Who would have thought na nung inayos nya ang buhay ko, siya din ang gugulo?