Before Sunrised.

 

You know what’s the worst thing about somebody breaking up with you? It’s  when you remember how little you thought about the people you broke up with and you realize that is how little they’re thinking of you.

You know, you’d like to think you’re both in all this pain but they’re just like “Hey, I’m glad you’re gone”.

-JESSE, Before Sunrise (1995) 

 

Spellbound by Edward Cullen

Perhaps my desire for fairy tales hasn’t died a tragic death. After Edward Cullen had me smitten tonight, I ache for enchantment.

But as Kaycee’s message relayed, I don’t want the cliché knight in shining armor on a white horse. I’d die for a hot vampire in a shiny silver Volvo.

*swoon*

Someone. That Someone.

I want SOMEONE who is smarter than I am but who would let me be as smart, if not smarter than he is, at chosen times. I want him to let me do my psychobabbles and still be amused at how I sometimes contradict myself. I want him to find my idiosyncrasies cute and my tantrums adorable. I want him to watch me change my car tires without trying to help, know that I can be better than he is at certain things.

I want to be SOMEONE’s greatest fan yet again. To adore, believe and be at awe at a man notwithstanding his minor flaws. I want to be his number one audience at all shows he casts, front row for that matter. I want to depict magic in everything he does and hear music in his words. I just want to stay in that state of awe at SOMEONE.

I want nothing less than mad, passionate and extraordinary love. NOT the mediocre kind.

I want SOMEONE who would shamelessly need me as much as I love him. Someone who would love me the way I wanted you to need me. I want a man who would never let me let him go…not the way that you have.

Reality Does Bite

If The Godfather is for men, Reality Bites is for women. Whoever hasn’t seen the movie had just let their 90s pass them by in a snap. I mean, who hasn’t seen the movie?! It’s like not knowing that Michael Jackson is originally black!

I could start ranting about this quote but I choose not to. I don’t want to rant anymore. I’m tired ranting. 

Of Before Sunrise and Moving On.

When I finally realized that fairy tales don’t happen to girls like me…that the good guys really deserve more than what I could give…that hurting him now with full honesty is better than loving him with half-truths…I held my ground while I watched my world crumbled down before me. When it all sank in after a week, I tried redeeming myself and asked him to let me fix what I have broken. I laid down all the bargaining chips for just one chance to un-break his heart and make it right again. He won’t let me. He said he’s too hurt to go through it one more time. That letting go and moving on are more appealing options than mending what I shattered. 

I was completely shocked. It was the least of my expectations. Questions swarmed my mind for days. Questions like, am I not good enough to be fought for? Why does he love to embrace his pain more than he loves me? How do I survive in his world as just me? When and how soon can I let go and get over this melancholic state of nothingness? When can I stop crying in the shower?

One of my favorite movies crossed my mind. 

You know what’s the worst thing about somebody breaking up with you? Is when you remember how little you thought about the people you broke up with and you realize that is how little they’re thinking of you. You know, you’d like to think you’re both in all this pain but they’re just like “Hey, I’m glad you’re gone”. -JESSE, Before Sunrise (1995)

It just struck me. Two weeks ago, he sent me an SMS: “…alam ko nahihirapan din ikaw. Hindi na kita matangal sa buhay ko but we need to move on. Let’s just pray for each other, k?” Considering what had transpired for the past few weeks, isn’t that synonymous to “Hey, I’m just glad you’re gone.”? It was a slap in the face, a smack in the gut. It took years for me to understand that when you break someone’s heart, your heart shatters in increments when they refuse to let you fix it. Your heart explodes like debris when you realize that your unworthy of a second chance. You get dumb-founded and amazed to conceive of the hypothesis that the almost-four years of your lives together were regarded as a mere Pepsi commercial.

Well, I guess it’s time to do what The Penny Lane suggested. “Rebuild your world, G Bravo. Your OWN world. Remember how exciting it is.”

INDEED! They say the real emotional pain scientifically just lasts for 12 minutes and what you feel afterwards is self-inflicted. Perhaps that’s why I am exhausted of feeling all sort of that shit. I guess, I need to start feeling something else and remind myself why we broke up in the first place…start feeling glad that he’s gone too. Need I? Let it not be a mistake this time.