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Epilogue

The Kismet Ends

Anyone who has lost something they thought was theirs forever finally comes to realize that nothing belongs to them. And if nothing belongs to me, then there’s no point wasting my time looking after things that aren’t mine. It’s best to live as if today were the first (or last) day of my life.

 -Maria’s diary, ELEVEN MINUTES by Paolo Coelho

Countless words to say but my mind went blank when he held my hand. My vision became blurry, my breath fell short and the tears wanted to fall knowing it was the last time I’m going to see him before he leaves this Saturday. I held on, keeping the mask I had mastered to wear all those years. I’m not giving in. I’m never giving in again to life’s cruelty. Why must I let someone cause me despair when I can keep them from claiming the best of me? It’s time to face the end of this riddle of a kismet. I don’t want a mere fairy tale. I was told I deserve an epic and I’m not settling for less.

Fate, indeed, is painfully funny.

Just when I thought sadness was infinite, he proved me wrong. He verified that fireworks will never lose their promise, that butterflies can still be in dark allies, that there could still be morning kisses and breath-taking moments. But his very presence befell a token that sadness is inevitable yet again. That it could be the very soul of my existence. It doesn’t matter now if he gave me smiles, giggles, songs and a diverse cue of memorable adventures because I have no need for memories. Not anymore. I feel that I only have the present to rage against the onslaught of reservations and fears and the future of uncertainties just to be haunted by the unyielding past.

Once upon a time, I lost someone I thought was mine forever and I thought wrong. So why must I look for someone who I know could never belong to me?

I stayed awake all night contemplating of how I manage to break my already broken heart. I wanted to tell him to stay for the rest of September…stay for the rest of the year…stay for the rest of my life. But I didn’t, afraid of what he might say. So I let my eyes speak the truth. The truth that when his plane takes off, I’d be the saddest girl in the world that very hour. Staring at Magnus for the last time, I wanted so bad to kiss him in wild abandon. But I didn’t. Instead, I gave him a little peck on the cheek and a smile I never thought I could etch on my face again. When he dropped me off, I watched him drove away fading to the realm of the unseen.

Helplessness undeniably is man’s supreme curse, I realized, as I saw myself bid goodbye to the promises of fairy tales. Who am I to question the intentions of the unknown?

Moving Out. Moving Away. Moving On.

When my Mom got sick last week, I grabbed the chance like a vulture to insist to her for the second time that I move back to Cebu for good. I told her all the pros and little of the cons if she permits me to go home. After stating my pathetic case, she reluctantly agreed and told me to ask for my Dad’s permission. After fabricating lies to my old man, he gave me the green light. Thanks Daddy. Hence, I filed for a Leave of Absence from school. Last weekend, I might have sounded so wretched on the phone that my Mom actually asked me if I would like to go away, clear my head and visit my cousins in Melbourne. Again, the vulture in me gnawed on the offer. Thanks Mommy.

And so I wrote him the last letter that I will ever address to him and poured out everything that I thought would begin to clear my clouds. Now I am hopeful that one day, I shall forget that episode of my life that almost costed me my sanity. Just as he decided to forget about the life we had once shared.

Soon, I am leaving Manila for good. When that day comes, I shall never look back. I shall finally forge on with no regrets and no apologies. I have to leave with what’s left of me.