Elizabeth’s Eloquence of my Gloom

It’s been months since I couldn’t put down my rage and heartaches in writing. Perhaps it’s because I still held on to that illusion that maybe things could still be salvaged. Things could still be fixed. I couldn’t put those pent up feelings down in writing because I felt that bottling them within could still cure the pain. I THOUGHT WRONG.

Browsing through my friend’s online journal, I was glued to an entry that says it all.

Courage came to me first. Anger second.

The order does not matter because Hope came just in time.

There is still pain. It comes out in sporadic bursts — while driving to work, in the middle of class, while conversing with the closest of friends, or stepping out of the shower. The pain, however, is no longer brought about by loneliness or hurt or sadness. It is an offshoot of anger — of the realization that even the worst of my actions did not entitle me to the cruelty served. I, like any human being, deserved gentleness, compassion, and respect.

I may not have been worthy of love, but I certainly was valuable enough for its rubrics.

A few weeks ago, a friend of mine was served a slice of pizza with a big bite. She showed it to her daughter and said: “This is not love. Love is not a pizza slice with a big bite.” To which I continued: “Love is the entire pizza box. Never settle for anything less.”

Driving home that night this thought occurred to me: To the very hungry, that pizza slice with a big bite would have sufficed.

As God is my witness, I shall never go hungry again. May Anger and Courage always be on my side.

SOURCE: http://www.blogagotchi.com/golagatch/28412/Finally…Anger..html

"What makes Noynoy most deserving today is this: He carries the mantle of People Power."

When I reached emancipation years ago, I was determined never to exercise my right of suffrage. Two national elections and one unelected president later, my determination wavered as President Aquino died on August 5 and Conrado de Quiros’ column today lit the fire of patriotism.

Theres The Rub
Masquerades

By Conrado de Quiros
Philippine Daily Inquirer
First Posted 00:23:00 10/07/2009

I’ve gotten some very interesting and thoughtful feedback from readers. A particularly noteworthy one is from a reader who wonders how I have become the No. 1 propagandist for Noynoy Aquino, investing him with the properties of a messiah, when in fact, as Cory’s rule showed, his feet are probably made of clay.

I have absolutely no problem being the “No. 1 propagandist” for Noynoy for one simple reason: I egged him to run. I egged him to run for many reasons, not the least of them being that he is a decent person. He is by no means perfect, but it’s like what Winston Churchill said about democracy: It’s a horrible system, except that the rest are worse.

The “rest” in this case meaning the “mainstream” candidates. Arguably some others have more reformist agendas, or have a reasonable claim to them. Nicky Perlas, a good friend, is one of them. JC de los Reyes, the presidential bet of the Kapatiran party of another good friend, Nandy Pacheco, is probably another.

The reason I am supporting Noynoy rather than any one of them, or others like them, has little to do with Noynoy being more likely to win than them. Or conversely, and more directly, it has little to do with them having as much chance to win as hell freezing over, or as the crow turning white, to use a more local saying. I’ve never had problems plugging for the “unwinnable” but deserving candidate in the past, I won’t have problems plugging for the “unwinnable” but deserving candidate in the future.

I haven’t wavered there. I’ve always plugged for the candidate I thought was most deserving. It just so happens that that candidate is also the most “winnable” today. Which wasn’t so only yesterday: I did propose that Noynoy run when most everybody was still scoffing at the idea, thinking it to border on lunacy.

While at this, curiously no one accused me in the past of being the chief propagandist of Jovito Salonga and Raul Roco though I rooted for them with as much passion as, if not more so than, Noynoy. No one said I made Roco in particular out to be The Messiah. I guess the principle applies only when your bet is doing well.

What makes Noynoy most deserving today is this: He carries the mantle of People Power. I do not mean that in any fuzzy religious or mystical sense—though as I’ve kept saying too, I’m not knocking it; providential things have been happening of late. I mean that in the most practical sense. Not least, the threat of People Power makes Noynoy the one deterrent to cheating. How huge a deterrent depends on how huge Arroyo’s resolve is—and as we’ve seen in the past, it’s epic. No one could have lasted nine unelected years in power without exercising epic resolve. And chicanery.

Noynoy is the one and only candidate the public will mind being cheated. None of the other candidates may claim that. In the other cases, the cheating will probably be protested as just another show of official vileness, but that is all. Noynoy gets cheated and the public will take to the streets.

Far more importantly, look at what’s happened after Aug. 5. You’ve got to be dead not to feel the sea change that’s swept over the landscape. If Le Cirque had been exposed before Aug. 5, we might have vituperated against it but ended up just making text jokes. But it happened after August 5, and the result was an explosion heard from here to New York. Since then no new government perfidy has passed without violent public reaction, from the revelation of the houses of the Arroyo kids in San Francisco to the unraveling of the Arroyo government at the height of the “Ondoy” floods.

It’s the spirit of Edsa that has made that outrage possible, it is the spirit of Edsa that has made that defiance possible. It’s the spirit Cory resurrected by her death, it’s the spirit Noynoy keeps alive by running. What makes Noynoy the most deserving “candidate” today is that he is more than a candidate and the exercise is more than elections. The fact that he is busting the charts all over the place—not even Erap made that spectacular showing in 1998—must suggest that we must look at today’s election beyond the framework of elections. As I suggested at FMAP last week, the only way to see it is this:

It is an Edsa masquerading as an election.

None of it is to suggest that we may look at Noynoy as some kind of savior. I did say last August that we may regard Cory herself only as a source of inspiration, not as a source of salvation. Only we can save ourselves. But a good leader can inspire us to do that. A good leader can dare us to do that.

True enough, the Cory presidency had its share of problems, and the Noynoy presidency will have its share of problems. I myself have not forgotten the things I brought up during the Cory presidency, which was not just Hacienda Luisita but the human rights abuses during the anti-insurgency campaign (notably by the paramilitary groups), government’s dependence on the US (which led to its defense of the Clark and Subic bases), government’s refusal to negotiate, if not scrap, the fraudulent loans (indeed making debt payments, not education, the number one priority of the budget), and so on. I’ll leave for another column why I think the Noynoy presidency can surpass the Cory one. Suffice it to say here that by all means give criticism where criticism is due. It should help make that presidency better.

It’s not perfect. Nothing in life is. One thing I can say is that Cory did not find my stance a reason to regard me as an enemy. If there was one thing she hated in life, it was hypocrites. If there was one thing she believed till death, it was better honorable foes than dishonorable friends.

The mother knew how to listen. Maybe the son does too.

SOURCE: http://opinion.inquirer.net/inquireropinion/columns/view/20091007-228755/Masquerades

Conrado de Quiros Striking the Second Time

Maraming nag-text sa akin matapos mabasa ’yung kolum ko noong Lunes, “Ser, isa pa nga.”

Bakit nga hindi? Bitin nga ang isa, parang beer. Agosto pa rin naman, at buwan pa rin ng Wika. At bukas ay Agosto 21, isang makasaysayang araw na humihiling—hindi, nag-uutos—na gunitain sa paraang malapit sa kamalayang Pilipino. Ano pa ang mas malapit sa kamalayang Pilipino kundi wikang Pilipino? Kahit na pang-text lang ang alam kong Pilipino.

Hindi mahirap hanapin ang paksa para dyan. Iisa ang tampok na elemento sa Agosto 21, isang elemento na tampok din ngayon sa pagkawala. Yan ang katapangan.

Matapang tayo noon, duwag tayo ngayon.

Katapangan ang buod ng mga katagang, “Hindi ka nag-iisa.” Yan ang mga katagang umalingawngaw sa buong bayan matapos pagbabarilin si Ninoy Aquino sa airport noong Agosto 21, 1983. Sa buong panahon ng pagkaburol n’ya, at lalong-lalo na sa pagdala sa kanya sa huling hantungan, yan ang madasaling binubulong, o galit na sinisigaw, ng taongbayan: “Hindi ka nag-iisa.”

Ano nga ba ang ibig sabihin ng “Hindi ka nag-iisa?”

Simple lang. Hindi ka nag-iisa dahil, kagaya mo, handa rin kaming magsakripisyo para sa bayan. Kagaya mo, handa rin kaming kumilos para sa bayan. Kagaya mo, handa rin kaming mamatay para sa bayan.

Mga katagang sinabi, o pinahiwatig, natin noon hindi lang kay Ninoy kundi sa lahat ng nagbuwis ng buhay sa panahon ng kadiliman—marami sa kanila ay nasa Wall of Remembrance ng Bantayog ng mga Bayani ngayon. ’Yan din ang isa pang kahulugan ng “Hindi ka nag-iisa.” Hindi lang si Ninoy ang nagbuwis ng buhay para sa bayan noong panahong ’yon, marami pa.

Sino na lang ang nagsasabi ng “Hindi ka nag-iisa” ngayon? O sino na lang ang nagsasabi n’yan ngayon na me gano’ng kahulugan? Dahil pag naririnig ko ang “Hindi ka nag-iisa” ngayon, ang dating sa ’kin ay parang death wish na lang ng Pinoy. Tipong: “O, sige, isali n’yo na rin ako sa kabaong. Tama na, sobra na, ayoko na. Suko na ini. ”

Paano tayo umabot sa gano’n? Paano tayo nawalan ng katapangan? O diretsuhin na natin, paano tayo naduwag?

Gusto ko sanang sabihing nabakla na siguro tayo, pero di lang sa magagalit sa akin ang mga kaibigan kong bakla kundi marami akong kilalang bakla na matapang. Nangunguna na d’yan si Lino Brocka na sa tindi ng galit sa mga kahibangan noon ni Manoling Morato ay sinigawan ng “Bakla!” Iilan lang ang kakilala kong makakatapat kay Brocka sa katapangan.

Ang nakikita na lang nating katapangan ngayon, at talaga namang laganap na, ay katapangan ng apog. Ang katapangangang yon ay wala ring pinipiling kampon, babae, lalaki o bakla. Equal opportunity, ika nga. Tapang ng apog ang kumikitil sa bayan, tapang ng apog ang pumapatay sa bayan. Tingnan mo ang mga nasa poder ngayon at tanong mo sa sarili kung may makikita ka ring katapat nila sa ganyang katapangan.

Pero yo’ng totoong katapangan, nasaan na?

Angal tayo ng angal, wala naman tayong ginagawa para tigilan ang kawalanghiyaan. Angal tayo ng angal, hindi naman tayo kumikilos para paayusin ang buhay.

Sino’ng inaasahan nating gagawa niyan? Ang Diyos, sa pamagitan ng pagbigay ng lupus o sakit ng tiyan sa pagkabondat sa mga taong bwisit sa buhay natin? Ang Amerika, na nagpapanggap na tagapagtanggol ng demokrasya sa buong mundo pero ayos lang na masikil ang kalayaan sa bansa ni Una? O “sila na lang,” ang ating mga kapitbahay na lang, ang ating mga tagapagtanggol na lang, dahil tayo ay me pamilya, dahil tayo ay kailangang maghanap-buhay, dahil tayo ay sobrang busy.

Sino ba ang walang pamilya? Kaya ka nga kumikilos ay para masilayan ng mga anak mo ang isang lipunang may liwanag at katarungan. Sino ba ang di kailangang maghanap-buhay? Kaya ka nga naghahanap ng buhay para di mo matagpuan ang patay—na pwedeng maging literal balang araw sa bangkay ng anak mo na lulutang-lutang sa ilog dahil ginawa n’ya ang di mo ginawa, ang di mo nagawa, ang di mo magawa. Dahil takot ka. Dahil busy ka.

Nakanino ba ang kapangyarihang hintuin ang katiwalian? Nakanino ba ang kapangyarihang hintuin ang pagbansot sa bayan? Di ba nasa atin? Di ba pag nagagalit tayo ay napipigilan nating bumili ng mamahaling jet ang mumurahing tao? Di pa kumikilos tayo ay napipigilan natin isulong ang Cha-cha ng mga taong di naman marunong sumayaw? Di ba pag pinapakita natin ang ating kapangyarihan ay napapatalsik natin ang mga taong kapit-tuko sa kapangyarihan?

Me mga nagsasabi na hindi naman tayo nawalan ng tapang, nawalan lang tayo ng paki. Gano’n din ’yon. Kaduwagan din yon. O higit pa ro’n. Dahil ngayon hindi ka lang takot mamatay, takot ka pang mabuhay.

Bukas, maraming mga pagtitipon-tipon sa paggunita ng makasaysayang Agosto 21. Isa na dyan ay ang prayer rally sa Ninoy statue sa Ayala na gaganapin sa ika-3:00 ng hapon hanggang gabi. Na ang hiling ng mga organizers ay kung maaari ay magsuot ng dilaw ang mga tao para ipakita ang pakikiramay, pagpupugay, at pakikiisa kay Cory. Hanep din tayong Pinoy ano: Dilaw ang kulay ng kaduwagan sa ibang bansa, dilaw ang kulay ng katapangan sa ating bansa.

Pwede kang sumama rito at sumigaw ng “Tama na, sobra na, palitan na” para sa kinabukasan ng mga anak mo. Pwede kang sumama rito para magsabi kay Inang Bayan, “Hindi ka nag-iisa,” handa rin kaming mamatay nang dahil sa ’yo, at higit na handang mabuhay nang para sa yo. Pwede kang sumama rito para ipakita na hindi pa nawawala ang katapangan sa bayan ko, binihag ka, ang dugo ng mga bayani ay nananalaytay sa mga ugat mo.

O pwede kang huwag sumama rito dahil ang bukang-bibig mo ngayon ay hindi na “Hindi ka nag-iisa” kundi “Bahala ka sa buhay mo.” Pwede kang huwag sumama rito dahil marami ka pang mahalagang gagawin, kagaya nang manuod ng “G.I Joe.” Pwede kang huwag sumama rito dahil mas okay sa yo ang maging patay kahit buhay pa kesa maging buhay kahit patay na. Pero kung gano’n:

Mag-isa ka.

SOURCE: http://opinion.inquirer.net/inquireropinion/columns/view/20090820-221118/Teyktu

CONRADO de QUIROS has proven yet again that the pen, indeed, is mightier than the sword.

May araw din kayo
By Conrado de Quiros
Philippine Daily Inquirer
First Posted 01:04:00 08/17/2009

Tatagalugin ko na nang makuha n’yo. Kahit na lingwaheng kanto lang ang alam kong Tagalog.

Tutal Buwan ng Wika naman ang Agosto. Baka sakali ’yung paboritong wika ni Balagtas ay makatulong sa pag-unawa n’yo dahil mukhang ’yung paboritong wika ni Shakespeare ay lampas sa IQ n’yo. Kung sa bagay, ang pinakamahirap gisingin ay ’yung nagtutulug-tulugan. Ang pinakamahirap padinggin ay ’yung nagbibingi-bingihan. Ang pinakamahirap paintindihin ay ’yung nagmamaangmaangan. Bueno, mahirap din paintindihin ’yung likas na tanga. Pero bahala na.

Sabi mo, Cerge Remonde, alangan naman pakanin ng hotdog ang amo mo. Bakit alangan? Hindi naman vegetarian ’yon. At public service nga ’yon, makakatulong dagdagan ng cholesterol at salitre ang dugong dumadaloy papuntang puso n’ya. Kung meron man s’yang dugo, kung meron man s’yang puso.

Bakit alangan? Malamang di ka nagbabasa ng balita, o di lang talaga nagbabasa, kung hindi ay nalaman mo ’yung ginawa ni Barack Obama at Joe Biden nitong nakaraang Mayo. Galing silang White House patungong Virginia nang magtakam sila pareho ng hamburger. Pina detour nila ang motorcade at tumuloy sa unang hamburgerang nakita nila. Ito ang Ray’s Hell Burger, isang maliit at independienteng hamburger joint.

Tumungo ang dalawa sa counter at sila mismo ang nag-order, hindi mga aides. Nagbayad sila ng cash na galing sa sariling bulsa at kagaya ng ibang customers ay pumila para sa turno nila.

Ito ay presidente at bise presidente ng pinakamakapangyarihang bansa sa buong mundo. Kung sa bagay, ’yung amo n’yo ay hindi naman talaga presidente. Di lang makita ang pagkakaiba ni Garci kay God kaya nasabing “God put me here.” Pekeng presidente, pekeng asal presidente.

Sabi mo, Anthony Golez, maliit lang ang P1 million dinner kumpara sa bilyon-bilyong pisong dinala ng amo mo sa bansa.

Ay kayo lang naman ang nagsasabing may inambag ang amo n’yo na bilyong-bilyong piso sa kaban ng bayan. Ni anino noon wala kaming nakita. Ang nakita lang namin ay yung bilyon-bilyong piso—o borjer, ayon nga sa inyong dating kakosa na si Benjamin Abalos—na inaswang ng amo n’yo sa kaban ng bayan. Executive privilege daw ang hindi n’ya sagutin ito. Kailan pa naging pribilehiyo ng isang opisyal ang di managot sa taumbayan? Kailan pa naging pribilehiyo ng isang opisyal ang magnakaw?

Maliit lang pala ang P1 million, ay bakit hindi n’yo na lang ibigay sa nagugutom? O doon sa mga sundalo sa Mindanao? Tama si Archbishop Oscar Cruz. Isipin n’yo kung gaano karaming botas man lang ang mabibili ng P1 million at karagdagang P750,000 na nilamon ng amo n’yo at mga taga bitbit ng kanyang maleta sa isa pang restawran sa New York.

Maliit lang pala ang P1 million (at P750,000), bakit hindi n’yo na lang ibigay doon sa pamilya ng mga sundalong namatay sa Mindanao? Magkano ’yung gusto n’yong ibigay sa bawat isa? P20,000? Sa halagang iyan 50 sundalo na ang maaabuluyan n’yo sa $20,000. Pasalu-saludo pa ’yang amo n’yo sa mga namatay na kala mo ay talagang may malasakit. Bumenta na ’yang dramang ’yan. At pasabi-sabi pa ng “Annihilate the Abus!” Di ba noon pa n’ya ’yan pinangako? Mahilig lang talagang mangako ’yang amo n’yo.

Bukod pa d’yan, saan ba nanggaling ’yung limpak-limpak na salapi ng mga kongresista na pinansisindi nila ng tabako? Di ba sa amin din? Tanong n’yo muna kung ayos lang na i-blowout namin ng wine at caviar ang amo n’yo habang kami ay nagdidildil ng asin—’yung magaspang na klase ha, ’di yung iodized. Ang tindi n’yo, mga p’re.

At ikaw naman, Romulo Macalintal, tapang ng apog mo. Maiisip mo tuloy na sundin na lang ang mungkahi ni Dick the Butcher sa “Henry VI” ni Shakespeare: “First thing we do, let’s kill all the lawyers.” Pa ethics-ethics ka pa, pasalamat ka di nasunog ang bibig mo sa pagbigkas ng katagang ’yon.

Marami mang sugapa rin sa aming mga taga media, di naman kasing sugapa n’yo. At di naman kami sineswelduhan ng taumbayan. Wala naman kaming problemang sumakay sa PAL at kailangan pang bumili ng P1.2 billion jet. Anong sabi n’yo, kailangan ng amo n’yo sa pabyahe-byahe? E sino naman ang may sabing magbabyahe s’ya? Ngayon pang paalis na s’ya—malinaw na ayaw n’yang umalis. Bakit hindi na lang s’ya bumili ng Matchbox na eroplano? Kasya naman s’ya ro’n.

Lalo kayong nagpupumiglas, lalo lang kayong lumulubog sa kumunoy. Di n’yo malulusutan ang bulilyasong ginawa n’yo. Para n’yo na ring inagaw ang isinusubong kanin ng isang batang nagugutom. Tama si Obama at Biden: Sa panahon ng recession, kung saan nakalugmok ang mga Amerikano sa hirap, dapat makiramay ang mga pinuno sa taumbayan, di nagpapakapariwara. Sa panahon ng kagutuman, na matagal nang kalagayan ng Pinoy, at lalo pang tumindi sa paghagupit ng Typhoon Gloria, dapat siguro uminom na lang kayo ng insecticide. Gawin n’yo ’yan at mapapawi kaagad ang kagutuman ng bayan.

Sa bandang huli, buti na rin lang at ginawa n’yo ’yung magpasasa sa P1 million dinner habang lupaypay ang bayan sa kagutuman—di lang sa kawalan ng pagkain kundi sa iba pang bagay—at pagdadalamhati sa yumaong Ina ng Bayan. Binigyan n’yo ng mukha ang katakawan. Katakawang walang kabusugan. Mukhang di nakita ng masa sa usaping NBN, mukhang di nakikita ng masa sa usaping SAL. Mukhang nakita lang ng masa dito sa ginawa n’yong ito. Sa pagpapabondat sa New York habang naghihinagpis ang bayan.

At buti na rin lang mayroon tayong sariling wika. Di sapat ang Inggles para iparamdam sa inyo ang suklam na nararamdaman namin sa inyo. Di sapat ang Inggles para ipakita sa inyo ang pagkamuhi na nararamdaman namin sa inyo. Di maarok ng Inggles ang lalim ng poot na nararamdaman namin sa inyo.

Isinusuka na kayo ng taumbayan, mahirap man sumuka ang gutom.

May araw din kayo.

‘NUF SAID.

Crazy. Beautiful. Everything.

This was posted in 2007 at a secret blog only few people could view. This was written as an upshot of the helpless longing I once drowned myself in, the secret I used to keep, the lie I perfectly told, the love I knew I will always have and the life I have always wanted. It’s time to have it known. It’s just about time.

FAITH 

You had once adored her, loved her, lived for her.

Then she was gone.

Yet you had once felt your soul scream her name in your sleep and you had once been appeased by the memory of her voice.

Yet she was gone.

She glided into another reality of which you were not ready to accept.

In your heart, however, you still feel her hands touch you, her arms around you, her mouth on yours or somewhere near lip-synching your favorite tune. 

Yet she’s nowhere to be found.
And even when others convince you of a better being destined for you, at the back of your head it is still her name your soul could scream. It is still her voice that could lull you to sleep. It is still her smile that could pale even the brightest star.
Deep inside you, you have believed that no matter how the future unfolds before your eyes, the show will end with her closing the curtains and being enveloped in your arms.

And perhaps you will always believe in that as you have tolerance of the poignant circumstances and stagnant tricks life has played for you.

It’s FAITH.
You still have that strong conviction that one day, everything will fall back into place.

Today, surreal as it seems, it all has fallen into place.

Months ago, I was confronted by an epiphany that a choice has to be made—The unwinding yet safe road that ensures complete refuge from the judgmental eyes of the hypocrites OR the road less traveled that would subject me to eventual judgment yet would lead me to the very taste of freedom that I can only imagine?

And I did. I made a choice.

For people to understand, accept and celebrate this path I have taken is not something I expect. I guess I can only hope for it or just not care whatsoever. I have always been a free spirit and now is not the time to feel that I need to seek approval. Despite all the turmoil, troubled thoughts and crazy unsolicited feedbacks, I AM HAPPY.

Thank you…heaven truly does exist.

On Addiction

In the hospital, we see addiction every day. It’s shocking, how many kinds of addiction exist. It would be too easy if it was just drugs and booze and cigarettes. I think the hardest part of kicking a habit is wanting to kick it. I mean, we get addicted for a reason, right? Often, too often, things that start out as just a normal part of your life at some point cross the line to obsessive, compulsive, out of control. It’s the high we’re chasing, the high that makes everything else fade away.

The thing about addiction is: it never ends well. Because eventually, whatever it is that was getting us high, stops feeling good, and starts to hurt. Still, they say you don’t kick the habit until you hit rock bottom. But how do you know when you are there? Because no matter how badly a thing is hurting us, sometimes, letting it go hurts even worse.

Meredith Grey, GREY’S ANATOMY

 So if Edward Cullen has Bella Swan for his personal brand of heroine, then what are you? My own suicide note? Perhaps…perhaps…perhaps.
 

Fine Fine Line

Grabbed from Niyaku

There’s a fine, fine line between a lover and a friend;
There’s a fine, fine line between reality and pretend;
And you never know ’til you reach the top if it was worth the uphill climb.

There’s a fine, fine line between love
And a waste of time.

There’s a fine, fine line between a fairy tale and a lie;
And there’s a fine, fine line between “You’re wonderful” and “Goodbye.”
I guess if someone doesn’t love you back it isn’t such a crime,
But there’s a fine, fine line between love
And a waste of your time.

And I don’t have the time to waste on you anymore.
I don’t think that you even know what you’re looking for.
For my own sanity, I’ve got to close the door
And walk away…
Oh…

There’s a fine, fine line between together and not
And there’s a fine, fine line between what you wanted and what you got.
You gotta go after the things you want while you’re still in your prime…

There’s a fine, fine line between love
And a waste of time.

Now, let’s be sad together. *bow*

Big Words. Little Names.

Argyle’s Eloquence of My Gloom

A re-post from RETROSPECTION

You were full of ideals and hopes when you first set foot. As time went by, suddenly, you realize, you’re becoming a different person. Yet, you held on. You see things differently now. You go with the current where life takes you. Time passes before your eyes. And then one moment, one fleeting moment, you get disappointed. The system messed you up. You mess up. And yet, you still CHOOSE to hang in there. Still hopeful that in the long run, you will see the change you believe that will come one day. You hang on with the thinnest and tiniest thread of hope it will soon come. Until one day, you just wake up and find yourself being eaten alive by the very thing against your ideals. Your hopes are gone. And you are left with nothing more but the mechanical routine of what transpires each and every day. Would you stay? Or leave with what’s left of you?

You love the other person. You are in a relationship which gained a lot of fans among your friends and acquaintances. People have witnessed the beginning and the developments of each and every struggle to make the relationship at its zenith. You were full of dreams that are so vivid that you could actually taste the bliss that you expect in the future. And then one day, you just suddenly feel something isn’t there anymore. The person you love had taken away a very significant part of you to actually be sane. You have become a different person. You are slowly becoming the person who you think the other person deserves. And yet, you CHOSE to let it go this far that you feel you are not who you are anymore. You had lost yourself in the dreams of that other person, instead of focusing on yours alone. Suddenly, you find yourself unhappy. You become scared that in the long run, this would turn into a tragic ending. Would you stay? Or leave with what’s left of you?

In the end, it’s all about choices, standing firm on how you perceive yourself, how you control your very being. You have the power to  choose when and where to give, to lose and to let go. You have the power to choose how much you are able and capable of losing yourself. You have the choice to make the necessary or unnecessary sacrifice that you would hope to effect a sweet change or unconsciously lead to a tragic one. You and you alone decide what you will see tomorrow. Remember, it’s not only your life that you affect, significant persons in your life also receive some part of you, and your decisions control how much. And because of you, other persons as well change either for the better or for worse. It’s a butterfly effect. 

I chose to leave with what’s left of me without an anticipation of the consequences that are bound to transpire. If that was a mistake, then at least it was mine to make. I just hope the hurting will end soon.

Being Single

This was sent to me in early 2000 after I broke up with Julio, the cariño-brutal episode of my then 19-year-old foolish self. I had just retrieve it from my inbox and, after a good wallowing, decided to post it here.

Single means you have time TO GROW AND BE THE PERSON YOU WANT TO BE. Single gives you SPACE TO GROW. Sometimes, it is harder to grow when you are too close to someone.
Trees are planted far apart so they can spread their branches and become strong as they mature.
Single means LEARNING TO LIVE BY YOURSELF.
However, that is no more difficult that learning to live with somebody else.

Single means FREEDOM.
You are free to spend a week’s vacation on the beach, to take computer courses, to work late on an interesting project, TO SPEND THE DAY IN BED WITH A GOOD BOOK OR SIMPLY WITH A PERSON WHO HAS READ ONE.

Single means LEARNING NOT TO NEED A MAN TO MAKE YOUR LIFE MEANINGFUL BUT LEARNING TO LIVE WITH A MAN BECAUSE YOU WANT TO BE WITH HIM.

Single means that sometimes you will wonder why you will bite your lip and feel wistful and wonder if marriage is better.
Ironically, yet quite happily, single is FEELING GOOD ABOUT BEING IN CONTROL OF YOUR LIFE.
It is liking and respecting WHO YOU ARE AND WHY YOU ARE.

Single is realizing that being married is not necessarily better, it is merely different.
Single means that there could be something wonderful around the corner and you can take advantage of it.

Single means you are FREE TO LOVE AGAIN.